Mr. Bush Has a Dream (Cont.)

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Outside Magazine September 2001

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Mr. Bush Has a Dream (Cont.)


	Your tax dollars at work: the animal pipeline and Operation PAVE in action in Glacier National Park

And let's not ignore nuclear power. I think that's spelled "nucular," but statesmen can agree to disagree. The menace of a nuclear meltdown and runaway radiation, my fellow citizens, is exceeded only by the specter of giant utility companies being barred from using this cheap form of energy. That is why a national lottery should be conducted as the only fair way to assign the locations of all new nuclear power plants and waste storage facilities. My National Lottery Director, the former Secretary of State of Florida, reports that the results have come in even before the lottery has been held. Due to an amazing statistical quirk, she informs me that the states that voted Democratic in the last federal election will soon have a slew of nukes.

Finally, your President has our national wildlife refuges lined up in his sights. I intend to sign off as soon as I can find a pen on Operation PAVE (Protect America's Valuable Ecology), a program already mobilizing to cover millions of square miles of fragile tundra, grasslands, marshes, and other wildlife habitats with a protective six-inch coating of fireproof asphalt. The prevention of broken buffalo ankles, skinned moose knees, and cut grizzly bear paws through the elimination of all rocks, bumps, gopher holes, and other hazards of nature can only be imagined.

Gas pipelines, oil pipelines, water pipelines—I think of these as the varicose veins of the economy. And I am now set to augment them with a new animal pipeline, sealing our wild four-footed friends into an all-steel, 2,000-mile-long habitat to keep them snug and safe from the strip-mining, oil drilling, and deforestation that I plan to get going, toot sweet.

Now I am overdue for my nap. But I promise you, my fellow Americans, and all you foreigners out there who are not yet Americans: I will sleep better knowing that I have left it up to you to carry out my responsibilities. Good luck, and good night.

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