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Outside Magazine October 2004

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The Hard Way
The Blowhard Way (cont.)

NEARLY EVERY DAY, there's a story of heroism in the news. Boy, arms eaten off by grizzly, whittles raft, floats out of Alaskan wilds. Girl, trapped on cliff, uses braids to rappel to safety. Lost teenagers eat butterflies, then each other, to survive wilderness ordeal.

Are you asking yourself, Could I do that? Do you wonder if you have what it takes? Have you thought about attending one of those high-priced survival schools? DON'T! The Hard Way Survival Kit (for a low introductory price, plus shipping and handling) is all you need.

Unlike other survival packages, my kit includes only the essential tools, nothing more and nothing less: (1) a plastic camouflage lighter, made in China; (2) a camouflage pocketknife; (3) a plastic soda bottle; (4) an extra-large, unlubricated condom; (5) a camo garbage bag; (6) a watch with built-in alarm; and (7) a bag of Cheetos.

Other survival courses teach you how to identify 73 edible plants and snare a field mouse or a moose, but get real! Are you trying to eat your way back to civilization or just get the hell outta there? The Hard Way Survival Kit has the facts: Food is inconsequential in most survival situations. The overwhelming majority of Americans have ample body reserves to survive without eating for at least two weeks. (Just think of all the pounds you'll drop!)

Thirsty? Don't waste your time learning how to knit a water jug from blades of grass. My kit's plastic soda bottle will do the trick, and the extra-large condom expands to carry a full quart!

Cold and wet? Some programs recommend building a wickiup from twigs or digging an emergency snow cave, "just like a marmot." Huh? The Hard Way Survival Kit shows you that wickiups are not waterproof and that lying down in the snow and intensely exerting yourself, thus soaking your clothes with sweat in low temperatures, is one of the fastest ways to die from hypothermia. My way? Simply drop down into dense trees, gather some tindery branches, break out your lighter, ignite the Cheetos wrapper, and start a bonfire. Too wet to ignite? Warm yourself by pulling on your garbage bag and running in place!

About to have your brains fried by lightning on a high, exposed ridge? Other methods would have you crouch on your pack and "pray to the thunder gods." The Hard Way Survival Kit, the only kit you need, offers a simpler solution: the alpine start. Next time (if there is a next time), set the alarm for 3 a.m., move out via headlamp by 4, and summit by 10. You'll be back snug in your tent by 2, when the rain comes.

What's that? Survival not your thing? You're actually more of a softcore adventurer? Good news: We've got something just for you!

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