Subscribe to Outside Magazine
advertisement
Survival Guru

Today's Question
What should you do if you run into a cougar in the backcountry? answer

What is the number one backcountry skill people should learn? answer

Eco Adventurer

Today's Question
What are the five best environmental movies of all time? answer

What are the greenest colleges? answer

Videos Ask Dave
  • What kind of dog will make me look manlier? answer
  • Is there a sport that safely combines my twin passions for guns and kayaks? answer
  • How come most of the world's cultures enjoy eating goat, but Americans don't? answer

Online Favorites

Special Issues

Photo Galleries
save this page print this page email this page
  • share this page

Outside Magazine, March 2005
Page:
1 2 3 4 

Out There
Hotties (cont.)

THE NEXT DAY, Luke has traded his trunks for a Superman cape and matching leotards and is standing on the stage with a microphone, delivering a dramatic play-by-play of the women's competition. Having failed to make the semifinals, he's been asked by the organizers to put his charisma to work as emcee. He tells a joke about the difficulty of finding a phone booth in a country where everyone uses a cell phone, but the crowd doesn't get it, and when he exhorts them to "cheer on the gals in that sauna," almost no one cheers.

At first I think the problem is his Aussie English. Then I notice that hardly anyone, even the female spectators, is paying attention. The only rapt ones are two little kids, who start crying at the sight of their sweat-drenched mother on the video screen. I ask a Finn reading a newspaper what's going on.

"Sauna competition is man's sport, not woman's sport," he says.

"Isn't that a bit sexist?"

"Finn people do not approve of sex in sauna. Sauna should be like church."

"What I mean is, it seems unfair to women."

"That may be so, but your sport of baseball is unfair to women, too . . ."

Fair enough, I think, and direct my attention back to the men, who are getting ready for their semifinals—which means guzzling electrolyte-charged sports drinks.

Yesterday's winners—Kimmo, Leo, Timo, eight other Finns, and the Belarusan—for the most part have oversize necks, asymmetrical shoulders and hips, and a certain amount of belly flab. You could call this the survival of the least fit. Fat insulates the body not only from cold but also from heat, and the greater the quantity of subcutaneous fat, the better the insulation. In addition to their body mass, it seems the Finns, anyway, have tapped into another secret weapon: denial.

"Finnish men do not like to acknowledge pain," Riku Jaro, the SWC's project manager, tells me. He's worried that one of these hulking specimens might be in agony and still not leave the sauna. It's the sisu mentality taken to its limit.

At 12:45 p.m., as six of the 12 semifinalists enter the sauna, Luke begins singing an Australian bush song called "Get Your Gear Off." Nobody listens. Aleaksandr, the Belarusan, doesn't seem to be having much fun, and as he hustles toward the door, Kimmo gives him the same look that he gave me. A look that seems to say, What's the rush?

At this point the crowd starts cheering raucously for their fellow Finns. They're so intent on the video screen that they seem oblivious to Luke's attempts to get them to do the wave.

Finally, at 3:30 p.m., the six finalists—Leo, Kimmo, and Timo, along with three countrymen, Markku Mustonen, Ahti Merivirta, and Raimo Tuomisto—step into the sauna one last time. All they have to do is sit and sweat. It's hard to imagine a less vigorous test of endurance. And yet I would rather undergo a Monster Challenge Octathlon or snowboard down Everest than get punched in the face again by those blasts of steam.

Three minutes pass, then, at 3:58, Raimo makes a dash for the door. The timer hits six minutes. Kimmo, for once, looks uncomfortable, and at 7:27 he charges out of the sauna. Nearly two minutes later, Markku bolts. I wonder whether the rising tide of sweat on the sauna floor will turn this into an aquatic event.

At 10:15, Ahti departs the sauna. Now only Leo and Timo, last year's champion, are left. Leo is bent into what looks like a meditative pose and is gazing serenely, maybe even fondly, at the Terminator. He's taking shallow breaths in order to prevent his throat and lungs from getting seared. Both he and Timo appear to have achieved a state of mind over matter: If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Eleven minutes pass, and at 11:41 a beet-red Timo bolts out of the sauna. Four seconds later Leo comes out and raises his arms in triumph.

Backstage, I find the champ replenishing lost electrolytes with Gatorade. I give him a congratulatory handshake, then ask him what he was thinking about as he sat his way to victory.

"I was thinking about whether I'd get back home in time for a sauna."
Page:
1 2 3 4 

• Subscribe to Outside and get a FREE Gift!
• Give the gift of Outside Magazine!
• Subscribe to Outside Online's free weekly e-mail newsletter featuring gear reviews, fitness advice, galleries, podcasts, and more.