Tinseltown: Alas, Mr. Speilberg has declined to direct
By Adam Horowitz

OK, here's the plot: A dream team of Hollywood titans--one an avowed environmentalist--announces plans to build a 1,000-acre studio atop some of L.A.'s last wetlands. Unbowed before this Goliath, however, two pesky eco-Davids, Marcia Hanscom of Wetlands Action Network and Bruce Robertson of the Ballona Valley Preservation League, battle back, filing lawsuits that ultimately help to drive a wedge between the executives and the project's control-hungry developer, for whom the studio is a make-or-break tenant. While the final act has yet to be written (at press time, it remains unclear whether construction will move forward), the tale already has blockbuster potential. So how about it, Dreamworks SKG? To get things started, we'll even cast the lead characters for you.

As hirsute, would-be-green Dreamworks honcho Steven Spielberg...
...hirsute, would-be nature boy Jeff Bridges

As little-known enviro-crusader Marcia Hanscom...
...overexposed Seinfeld cut-up Julia Louis-Dreyfus

As developer Robert "Because It's Still My Project, Dammit!" Maguire...
...Lloyd "Because I'm Always In My Sons' Films, Dammit!" Bridges

As former private eye and current wetland warrior Bruce Robertson...
...former Star Trek: The Next Generation intergalactic stud Jonathan Frakes

As record-mogul-cum-movie-mogul David Geffen...
...skinny-teen-slacker-cum-buffed-out-action-hero Keanu Reeves