No You Fool, It's Red Wine with Spam

Startling governmental conclusion of the month: Our fighting men and women hate their food. A recently released 400-plus-page tome by the federal Institute of Medicine, which spent $100,000 on the study, reported that thousands of soldiers have lost more than 12 percent of their body weight by repeatedly taking a pass on meals of chipped beef, powdered eggs, and other fare deemed too repulsive to consume. One solution, the study suggests, is to jazz up "ration image," armyspeak for somehow camouflaging ham and beans to resemble Sunday brunch at Spago. Another is to improve "situational factors," including "appropriate meal scheduling with consideration of changes in circadian rhythms."