Hollywood
It's Cloying. It's Hackneyed. It's ... a Blockbuster!

By David Rakoff

Nicholas Evans's first novel, The Horse Whisperer, spent a total of 60 weeks on the New York Times best-seller list and was the basis of a successful Robert Redford film adaptation. Evans's sophomore opus, The Loop, debuts this month. Another chapter in the continuing saga of the author's infatuation with the American West and the true and stalwart men who populate it, The Loop is sure to have all manner of filmmakers clamoring for the rights. Below, a sampling of the many-splendored cinematic permutations that we might expect.

Director: Robert Redford

Synopsis: A pack of wolves makes a sudden, savage return to a small Montana ranching town. A young wolf biologist named Dan (Brad Pitt) is sent alone into the hostile countryside to protect them.

Excerpt: HELEN: Dan! (Dan stops. turns. He is handsome. And rugged.) HELEN: A pack of wolves has made a sudden, savage return to a small Montana ranching town! DAN: Well, I'm just the young wolf biologist they should send alone into the hostile countryside to protect them. HELEN: Teach me to love again, Dan.

The Buzz: Dependable Redford fare. Pitt is hailed for his courageous choice of brown hair.

Director: Michael Bay

Synopsis: A covert government cyborg, D.A.N. — Duplicative Anthropomorph Noncarbon-life-form (Jean Claude Van Damme) — is enlisted to track down a rogue agent, code name Wolf (Dennis Hopper), who is holding hostage the conferees of the G-7 Summit meeting, taking place in Bozeman.

Excerpt: The entire state is obliterated in an enormous conflagration. D.A.N. watches from the cockpit of a B-52 bomber. D.A.N: YEEEHAAA!!!! That'll learn ya! Darn Wolf! (End.)

The Buzz: A mega-blockbuster. Bay forgoes a director's fee in favor of back-end bonuses and will receive a sum estimated in excess of $300 million, as well as sole ownership of Belgium.

Director: Woody Allen

Synopsis: A neurotic Upper East Side television producer (Allen), in an effort to save his flagging marriage to a precocious yet difficult author (Christina Ricci), enlists the services of a team of psychics (Judy Davis and Ron Rifkin) in channeling the spirit of a legendary alpha-male wolf from pre-Columbian Montana.

Excerpt: (Dan and Helen are reading in bed. Dan reaches over.) HELEN: I said no! DAN: How come? I ... tch ... I mean it's been so long since we've made love. This is crazy, I've been reading the same Melanie Klein book for a month now. HELEN: You know I can't make love when I'm blocked. The book isn't going well. Dan suddenly morphs into a huge gray wolf, his fangs dripping saliva. HELEN (taking off glasses, wearily): Oh, all right.

The Buzz: Allen fans are pleasantly surprised by use of special effects and uncharacteristic scenes of extreme lupine violence. A hit. Allen and Ricci are called the most romantic coupling since his character wooed Mariel Hemingway in Manhattan.

Director: James Ivory

Synopsis: A lonely English schoolteacher (Helena Bonham Carter) in Montana, circa 1905, falls in love with a wealthy rancher (Rupert Graves). They marry and travel to Italy.

Excerpt: Helen and Dan pass amid the stalls of flower vendors in Rome's Campo Dei Fiori. DAN: Look, darling, builders. (Laborers are passing bricks to one another. All are shirtless, except for one who is completely naked.) He fixes Helen with a smoldering gaze. DAN: What is it, Helen? You've gone pale. HELEN: Nothing, darling. Just happy, that's all.

The Buzz: Merchant-Ivory's triumphant return to intelligent armchair tourism and romantic drama makes The Loop the date movie of the season. Evans's fans seem not to mind either the complete change of venue or the total absence of wolves.