The Annotated¹ Manifesto of Troop 109
The skills a boy acquires in scouting last a lifetime, without parole

By David Rakoff

A man thought to be the elusive "Spiderman" burglar, who stole millions in cash and jewelry from high-rise condominiums along Florida's east coast, was charged this month ...

— The Jupiter (Florida) Courier, July 26, 1998

— USA Today, July 23, 1998

First, to whomever finds this note — and consequently the woman to whom it is pinned: Her name is Mrs. Dalhousie, and she is not dead; she is merely drugged (a nonlethal cocktail of Xanax, Dalmane, and Elavil, courtesy of Adam's mom). She will remember nothing of what transpired here at Camp Winnipesaukee, the final resting place of our former identities, as false as the names sewn into our underwear. Mrs. Dalhousie has undergone some minor surgery to her frontal lobe. Matt, armed with nothing more than his Totin' Chip² award and the "Game & Poultry" chapter from his mom's Joy of Cooking, did the honors. We wished her no ill. It's simply that she had outgrown her utility to the troop, though she was a very useful cover for quite a while; after all, it's not every camp cook who thinks Che Guevara is a French restaurant.

By the time you read this, we will have washed our hands of your society — it is almost too galling to use such a thrilling word to describe your pathetic amalgamation of backbiting materialism, your retarded postal system, your malls that suck. It is precisely why Leader took what was rightfully his from your Towers of Babel. As he said to us so often: "Altitude is best left to the noble mountain and the stately Douglas fir." But all of that is behind us. Our vendetta is fulfilled, and ahead lies the glorious future of the self-contained utopia we have created in the woods of what your corrupt alliance still calls North Dakota, where we shall forge a verdant Eden and also sail some excellent birch-bark canoes that Eddie of the Whitewater³ merit badge has promised to make.

No more shall we have to stand in your ATM lobbies proffering oversize bags of M&M's, duped into such commerce in pursuit of an American Labor⁴ badge, which only Ricky was corporate stooge enough to earn. (And which we promptly burned⁵ in our Free Huey/Mumia ceremony.) To know that we shall never again have to ring your doorbells for a canned-food drive, help one of your lazy crones across the street, or organize a backyard carnival for muscular dystrophy as part of the Disabilities Awareness⁶ badge requirement — so completely counter to our proto-Randian philosophies — is an intoxication beyond words; we could almost sing "Kumbaya" from the joy of it all.

Herein below, an accounting of the activities that brought us the resources necessary for the establishment of our New World. This "confession" will serve a threefold purpose: 1) We hope we can spare some innocent suspect groundless harassment by taking proud responsibility for our actions. 2) You will all — parents, teachers, siblings — no doubt be questioning yourselves, heaping recrimination, wondering, "Was it me? Did I somehow go wrong?" Let this document clear that up. Yes, you did go wrong. We blame you all. You, in a word, suck. 3) We wish to have verified our achievement of Tenderfoot⁷ rank.

Construe nothing herein as contrition. At best, you might glean from this a note of gratitude. It was our love of the great outdoors and those very skills we learned during our years in scouting that both opened our eyes to the necessity for an arcadian, androcentric utopia based on the precepts of Fourierist agrarianism and Nietzschean ethics and provided us with the capacity to carry out our dream.

Make no mistake! We would do it all over again — and will, should you try to locate us. That goes for everyone, from the highest governmental agencies all the way down to Shaun's mom (who can find her piece-of-shit Gremlin at the Bide-A-Beach Cabins off Route 17). But most especially Deb Schwartz, revisionist running dog, lackey of the bourgeoisie, flat-as-a-board teacher's pet! Teddy wants to add that his Thinks-She's-the-Boss-of-Me older sister might not want to search the Web using the keywords "spy cam," "XtXiXtXsX," or "jerk boyfriend Glen" if she doesn't want to be just totally embarrassed.

By now, the trail of evidence surrounding the bombing last spring of City Hall and the robbery of $1,700,000 from the town coffers will have gone cold. Well, guess what? No, go on, guess. We did it.⁸ How, you might ask? No prob, we reply.

As you know, the town aquifer runs directly beneath the municipal buildings with a fairly navigable subterranean channel, discovered on the Spelunking Sleepover, summer of '97. Joe Mangiacavallo (Snorkeling⁹ award) proved a godsend as he managed to swim directly underneath the vault. Having had to perform simple titrations, chromatography experiments, and visit a chemical plant as part of the requirements for our Chemistry badges, it wasn't difficult to come up with a serviceable homemade version of plastic explosive, 30 pounds of which a gloved¹⁰ Joe placed underneath City Hall.

The security guards were tied up by Ralph, the troop's resident restraint expert, in an ingenious combination of his favorite knots, the timber hitch, sheepshank, and bowline. They were then chloroformed (Insect Study badge). Vinny and Claude awaited Joe in the troop canoe down by the marsh, while Jack, Myron, and Brian rappelled down the north face of the building (Climbing badge) and booby-trapped it with enough detonator caps to blow it clear into the next millennium. Leader had assured us that these actions were not only necessary, but required for our Entrepreneurship¹¹ badges.

With our finances in order, we were able to procure the essentials for our new life. We transported supplies across the lake using Carmine's dad's Jet Ski. In autumn, when bathing suits would have aroused suspicion, we went overland, navigating the terrain on our mountain bikes, until winter moved in, when the troop's placement in the state bobsledding finals and our love of snowboarding proved invaluable. Which brings us to now, to your immoral capture of the divine Leader and our need to turn this, our annual bivouac at Camp Winnipesaukee, into the locus of our exalted departure.

That Leader, once paroled, will find us in our new home, we have no doubt. Then we all will be truly happy.¹² We have a self-sustaining, environmentally friendly encampment with solar power,¹³ a self-filtering water-purification system,¹⁴ a hydroponic garden,¹⁵ a trout-filled stream¹⁶ — easily harvested using a #14 elk-hair caddis fly — and countless pieces of furniture fashioned out of animal skins, hempen fabric, and rushes.¹⁷

AGAIN. DO NOT TRY TO FIND US! ANY ATTEMPTS TO FETTER OUR HARD-WON FREEDOMS WILL RESULT IN MAYHEM. WE WILL SHORT-SHEET YOUR BEDS, LOOSEN YOUR SALT-SHAKER TOPS, EXHORT YOU TO CATCH YOUR RUNNING REFRIGERATORS, AND HOUND YOUR NATION'S TOBACCONISTS TO FREE PRINCE ALBERT FROM HIS CAN UNTIL YOU GO MAD! THEN, PERHAPS, YOU WILL REALIZE WE ARE GONE FOREVER. THE BOYS YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW AND LOVED ARE NEVER COMING BACK. TROOP 109 IS DEAD. LONG LIVE TROOP 109!¹⁸

1. Details from the Official Boy Scout Handbook, 10th ed., and the Merit Badge Series.
2. Demonstrate proper handling, care, and use of the Scout knife, ax, and saw.
3. Requirement 7: Identify the different materials used in modern whitewater canoe construction and discuss ...
4. Requirement 1d: In 500 words or more, write how the work force fits into the economic system of the United States.
5. Fire Safety badge, requirement 7: Do the following: Demonstrate lighting a match safely ... Demonstrate how to extinguish a grease pan fireà
6. Requirement 2: Speak to a person with a disability or read an article or book about a person with a disability and report to your counselor what you learned about that person's experiences in dealing with a disability.
7. Requirement 8: Explain why we use the buddy system in Scouting.
8. Scout Law, ref. Trustworthy: A scout tells the truth.
9. Define snorkeling ... Demonstrate use of swim fins ... Recover objectsà
10. Fingerprinting badge, requirement 4: Give a short history of fingerprinting. Tell the difference between civil and criminal identificationà
11. Requirements 1 and 2: In your own words, define entrepreneurship ... Find out how the entrepreneur raised the capital (money) to start the business ... Report what you learn.
12. Scout Law, ref. Cheerful: A scout looks for the bright side of life.
13. Energy badge
14. Environmental Science
15. Farm Mechanics
16. Fishing
17. Leatherwork, Textile, and Basketry badges, respectively
18. Citizenship in the World badge, requirements 1 and 1a: Answer the following: What is citizenship? How does one become a citizen in the United States? How does one become a citizen in other countries?

Illustration by Nick Aarestrup