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How do you make primitive snowshoes? answer

What should you do if you get lost driving in a snow storm? answer

Today's Question
What is the greenest ski and snowboard on the market? answer

Can I really damage a coral reef with sunscreen while snorkeling? answer

What kind of dog will make me look manlier? answer
Is there a sport that safely combines my twin passions for guns and kayaks? answer
How come most of the world's cultures enjoy eating goat, but Americans don't? answer

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The Devil's Dictionary

Intro | Adventure-Dude | Earth Day-Living the Life | Mountain Bike-SUV | Talus-Zonked


	Rip (v)* (Illustration by John S. Cuneo)*

moun·tain bike (n): OK, bub, so you're still reading this, even after not comprehending "dude." Welcome back from the coma! FYI: Nixon resigned, the Soviets lost the Cold War, and robots still haven't "made their move."

NAS·CAR (n): we polled the entire staff and not one of us has the vaguest clue· Anyone?

on be·lay (adj): holding the rope for a climber· In high winds, a source of endless confusion for Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas).

Pat·a·guc·ci (n): Patagonia wear. Gucci is now fighting a court order that would change its name to Gonia.

peak bag·ging (v): summiting a mountain; also a failed 1989 artwork by Christo, who took a shot at swaddling K2 in a wispy cotton twill.

pin·head (n): a telemark skier (or, you know, someone with a hilariously tiny head).

pi·rogue (n): derived from the Spanish word piragua, a dugout canoe usually found in South America and Africa. Most often wooden, as plastic dugouts are exceedingly rare.

poach (v): to skip ahead of someone who is about to ski down a slope, ride a trail, summit a mountain, etc. Properly followed by a good old-fashioned ass-kicking.

por·tage (v): to haul one's boat and gear across land between bodies of water. Sound inconsequential? Yeah? You carry a 30-horsepower Evinrude outboard three miles on your back, motherfucker!

rip (v): to perform a sport aggressively, particularly the new Olympic event of paper-tearing.

road rash (n): scabs from a wreck· Compare "road rage" (n): leaving scabs on others after a near-wreck.

S·O·L· (adj): shit out of luck, as opposed to S.D.O.L., shit that's merely down on its luck.

scree (n): see "talus."

Sev·en Sum·mits (n): the highest peaks on all seven continents. Bagging the Seven is a coveted accomplishment for wealthy expeditioners, many of whom are gullible enough to believe that Grumpy and Sneezy are the most perilous.

Sher·pa (n): a Himalayan climbing guide, notably on Mount Everest. Relegated to the role of inferior "helpers" because of the fact that instead of climbing the mountain, Sherpas both climb the mountain and carry massive amounts of gear.

shred (v): to snowboard aggressively. But really, feel free to insert your own Enron joke here.

sick pow on the mow (n): plenty of good new snow, especially on the morning after a big storm. Completely different from "a sick POW shouting 'Mao!'" which is kind of a Deer Hunter thing.

sick (adj): more "gnarly" than "epic," but not quite so "epic" as "killer." (Are you keeping track? Because I'm not.)

six-pack (n): a well-muscled stomach or a six-person chairlift, but rarely both at the same time.

Smart·Wool (n): a popular brand of wool products that provide insulation without the itchiness of plain wool, named ironically as it is derived from the dumbest beast ever to tread the earth.

snow·board (n): you've been warned about these easy ones, pal. Move along.

spanked (v): to be severely worn out, as in "That climb spanked me." Less rugged-sounding if you add, "just like Mommy spanks me."

spe·lunk (v): the sound that Britney Spears'storso would make after a fall in whatever that caving sport is called.

sport climb·ing (n): endeavor in which one climbs using artificial bolts, just as God intended.

'spro (n): espresso. A real time-saver, as the full word itself suggests! Squandering time by uttering the entire word "espresso" is to be shunned within the fleeting, even whisper-quick, passage of time. I mean, life's just too short for meaningless and excessive verbiage in this cockeyed caravan. Nothing in this world is so repugnant as verbosity and repetition and redundancy. So, for our sake, for your sake, from now on, it's "'spro," not "espresso."

stoked (adj): very excited about something, or actually ablaze—but, here again, rarely both at the same time.

SUV (n): represents 15 minutes of such a vehicle owner's progress attempting to spell the phrase "Survival of the Earth."

Intro | Adventure-Dude | Earth Day-Living the Life | Mountain Bike-SUV | Talus-Zonked