Surviving Survivor:
Bill Vaughn's Loose Lips
Notes on Episode Ten: Rudy! Rudy! burning bright, in the forests of the night.

By Bill Vaughn

Pathfinder Video

Although Gervase had shown himself to be completely unproductive, spending his days in paradise playing cards, basking in the old hammock, and avoiding work with the fervor of a Tassajara Buddhist shunning television, the Philly basketball coach outdistanced all of Rattana when it came to matters reproductive. The island was all atwitter over the message he received on Day 28, along with a cigar, that his fourth child had been born, this one a bastard just like the other little G's. The Rudester was not amused. "I don't agree with babies out of wedlock, that kind of garbage. Half the problem they got in this country today there's no family life." Gazing at the rising tide and its promise of the cleansing Pulau Tiga so obviously needed, the ancient mariner held forth on all this trouble we're having with Our Republic. "And then they're blaming the schools. It starts way before them kids go to school. They need a family. They need someone to bean 'em on the head."

We knew that Gervase the Gerbil was up Shit Creek without a paddle when he couldn't get his torch to stay lit during the immunity challenge, the fire-building contest. Mark Burnett s moles, of course, had arranged it that way. (Come on, Mark, despite your disclaimers about the stringent laws governing the production of game shows, everyone knows this goose is cooked). And speaking of the orchestrations of Survivor's executive producer, the pizza I saw ferried from the Magellan Sutera Hotel in Kota Kinabalu by chopper finally made its way on camera as a reward for the winner of the luxury contest, the bamboo pole race, which, weirdly enough, happened to be The Gerbil. Rudy, of course, the Navy Seal who was awarded the Bronze Star for his 45 combat missions during the Vietnam War, waved away Gervase's offer of a bite, because accepting favor from a man without honor would not be honorable. And the Rudester, above all things, stays true to himself.

"I'll probably never see these people again," Rudy mused. "It's the way I want it."

I don't blame you, Commander Boesch. Anyway, viewers should stay sharp in the final episodes by scouring the set for the unbelievable-too much eye shadow, say. And where's all that bikini hair that ought to be sprouting like weeds along a Forest Service logging road (after all, the ladies have spent more than a month in the "wilderness" at this point in the show). Also, check out those patrol boats bobbing on the horizon, the ones full of CBS goons patrolling for trespassers. That they never nabbed me when I stormed the island is a testament less to my agility than to their sloth.

And now a few words about Malaysian food.

Back at the hotel following Episode Ten, recent ejectiles Greg Buis and Jenna Lewis made a date with the The Gerbil for a sumptuous Malaysian sit-down dinner, poolside at the Five Sails Restaurant. There would be lots of drink. They laughed. They cried. They ordered some chicken satay, spicy grilled strips of Asian fowl skewered on skinny sticks sharpened at both ends, and dipped in peanut sauce. Meat-on-a-stick is no stranger to corndog-loving Americans, and will probably replace the gyros and the fajita as the Republic's next fast-food craze. They wondered how Richard could maintain his full figure on the paltry 1500 calories everyone was getting, while they washed down their satay with many yummy local beers, such as Tiger and Asahi, the bottles weeping in the sweet, humid breezes wafting in from the South China Sea. Was Richard able to absorb nutrients from this rich air, thus keeping his weight the same as a pregnant manatee, or was he sneaking out at night to harvest for himself all the sugar cane and tapioca CBS planted?

Gervase discussed his fear of contraception. Jenna allowed as how when she got back to the States she was going to make some serious bucks posing nekkers for magazines, although she hoped it wouldn't interfere with her career as an actress in soap operas. Greg said that although he had pretended to be sort of gay in order to court Richard's favor, what he really wanted was his sister.

The threesome, now completely hammered, ordered their main course. Gervase had braised oxtail in a hot-and-sour-sauce, a dish the Malaysians call Ekor Assam Pedas, Jenna had Gaeng Keow Wan Gai, green curry with chicken and eggplant, and Greg, still thinking about his sister, went for the Udang Kalio, enormous curried tiger prawns. They wolfed down everything, then ordered some more sticky rice, and hoovered that as well, along with a pitcher of famous Malaysian jungle juice fresh-squeezed from tropical fruit, which Greg laced with Absolut. Greg and Jenna had to carry Gervase back to his room in the Marina Wing of the hotel. Before he drifted off to dreamland, he caressed the complementary bowl of miniature bananas and quince laid on by the staff every day, and whispered to himself: "I swear on the souls of my children, at least the ones I know about, that I will never be hungry again." Next week, some thought regarding Malaysian justice.