Courtesy of CBS

It's the advent of the rainy season Down Under, what the Aussies in Far North Queensland call The Wet. A chopper settles on a soggy beach next to the Herbert River, and collects a pair of buffed natives from the camp of the Barramundi tribe. As it lifts above the gum forests into the cloudy skies I hold my breath. Not because I'm worried about the chopper's passengers. But because I'm hoping the chopper goes down. And it's not just because I enjoy a demolition derby as much as the next guy, it's because on board are monster truck advocate Colby "The Cheesesteak" Donaldson, and his loathsome hate-date—part-time actress and a full-time hemorrhoid Jerri "The Vipress" Matheny. Celebrating after winning the Award Challenge, yet another of producer Mark Burnett's tedious obstacle courses, they're on their way to spend the night together on the Great Barrier Reef. Will there be amour? Will there be rapprochement? Will there even be a little heart-to-heart?

Friends, so intent are these robots on their shot at a million bucks, there will not even be dry humping. I want my money back. You could get more pathos from a slide show called "Porcine Eros." While smarmy host Jeff Probst's description of the Great Barrier Reef as one of the Seven Wonders of the World is true, what about the eighth wonder, the undeserved ratings Survivor Out Back is pulling down? I mean, although these people are toothsome (especially Rodger Hee Haw) they have all the character of mud. If they weren't vicious they'd have no personality at all. After Jerri asks before the tug of war in the Reward Challenge where she should put the rope, it's suggested that the best place would be around her neck. And when the chopper lifts off she looks down on the little people below and allows that they might be feeling a little animosity because she's won two challenges in a row. "But on the other hand," she muses, "I could give a flying crap." But then she iced herself by returning to the Barracudas empty-handed, willing to share not even one of the Doritos laid on by CBS in its naked lust for product placement. Meanwhile, the Colbster brought back pieces of coral he's pilfered from the reef, and handed them out as bribes.

So in the end, Jerri's cosmic self-absorption did her in. Oh, we were manipulated into believing it was the huggable Izzy the Moccasin Maker who was going to get the boot, the adorable little footwear designer who had already figured that her boots were made for walking. But, come on, ejecting Izzy would be like lining up Snuggles, the Pillsbury Doughboy, and that lovable Hamburger Helper Hand in front of a firing squad. Alas, Jerri's allies finally had one Bad Jerri Day too many. Even Tina the Hillbillie deserted her. Although the Vipress meat puppet, Amber, stood by the bitch till the end, probably spelling doom for the Beaver, Pennsylvania native, who lists "babysitter for my professor" on her resume.

The bad news for CBS, however, is that with Jerri gone there isn't anyone worth hating any more. That is, except for Recruit Meyer. I mean, this guy is so delightfully whacked out, and so completely carries his little black heart on his sleeve...

Oh wait, wrong show. Recruit Meyer is one of the sixteen players on Boot Camp, the riveting new Fox entry into the dramality game. Now here is tension, folks, here is scheming, here is drama. I laughed when the cracker pig farmer, Recruit Haar, managed to run a mile-and-a-half without barfing, and I cried when the noble but misunderstood Recruit Park got the boot. If you're as bored by Survivor Out Back as I am, but have to keep watching because you lost a bet, try pretending that the characters from Boot Camp show up on Survivor Out Back and kick everyone's ass, just for the sport. If you're like me it will help you make it through the night. Or, as Karen Carpenter sings (and aren't the Survivor Out Back ladies starting to look a little like the emaciated chantress?) all you get from love is a love song.