Courtesy of CBS

Because the advanced malnutrition endemic to Tribe Barramundi has caused these emaciated honkies to slur their words, the only way I could understand what the Final Four are saying is by drinking a troika of dry Bombay martinis, then pulling my Lazy Boy as close to the teedle screen as I could get. And what I understood from Episode Fourteen is that Colby "The Cheesen One" Donaldson has some kind of thing going for his momma. Well, maybe family dating is the last refuge of sickos, or maybe not. Who am I to judge? But compared to Little Izzy and Tina Okie, reduced by the CBS rice diet to Barbies who look like they play tambourine in a girl band called Eating Disorder, Colby's mum is positively voluptuous (although her aging bar chick eye makeup made her look like Klaus Kinski's portrayal of Count Dracula in Nosferatu the Vampyre). But what with The Colbster's deprived nutritional state, his admission that he's taken only three dumps in 39 days, his confusion about his sexual identity, and the fact that him and mom are Texans, it's no wonder they ended up bedded down together in the tent portion of a new yeller Pontiac Aztek, which the monster truck aficionado won in yet another of producer Mark Burnett's stale water-and-fire Reward Challenges. While CBS encouraged The C Man to extol the Aztec's many virtues, what I really wanted to know was: What's sex like with Ma? And what's it like in a family camping vehicle like the Aztec? Was there tongue? After all, who among us has not dreamed of awakening in similar compromising situations with a blood relative? My first cousin Janine, for example... oh, but I digress.

Anyway, poor Izzy Filarski, Last of the Kuchas, my long-stemmed and pouty-mouthed pick to click, was the victim of brutal tribal racism, as the ruthless Ogakors finally cleansed the banks of the muddy Herbert of all who were not Ogakor. It's probably for the best that the Boston mukluk-maker got the boot. She had dwindled to a mere 101 pounds (although a good portion of that remained breast), and her blondish hair was falling out faster than Karen Silkwood's. And with time on her hands at last to think she has decided that because her god and the likesame God of fellow Christian Roger Hee Haw has failed them, they must convert. They liked the look of the Sufis, but decided in the end to go with Satan. Now, as long as they remain in the Out Back to judge the Trinity of Colby, Tina, and the unbearable Keith Famine, neither toad nor spider will be safe. And god help the black dogs in their neighborhoods when they get back home.

Colby's romp in the Aztec with mummy has made me think about what it would be like to date in some of the excellent modes of transport portrayed on Fox's dramality, Boot Camp. There's an amphibious vehicle, for example, some delicious looking tanks, and finally, that ultimate love boat, the Hum Vee. As I nodded off in the Lazy Boy chewing the cud of these delicious thoughts I was suddenly aggrieved that I wasn't going to see Izzy any more. But as Recruit Coddington noted on Dismissal Hill at the conclusion of Wednesday's episode: "Pain is weakness leaving the body."