Courtesy of CBS

The educational nutrition of Survivor Out Back wouldn't be reduced by a single calorie if producer Mark Burnett suddenly abandoned the canned hokum this Limey ex-patriot calls "dramality," and instead filmed the contestants jumping on trampolines for an hour. Oh, I know some viewers think it's cute when Jerri the Vipress and Colby the Cheesesteak make goo-goo eyes and mutter sweet nothings like "chocolate-chip" and "oatmeal-raisin." But for me, the only appeal of this remake is when I turn off the sound and sit real close to the tube so I can watch Kimmi and Amber and Alicia and Little Izzy the Slipper Maker twitch and shudder and scratch themselves. Plus, okay, I admit it, I like it when Rodger slaps at mozzies. That's Australian, you know, for mosquitos. And, of course, I like to see all of them wander around in their cozzies (bathing suits), but I don't like it when they rug up (put on more clothes).

And I really get irritated when the contestants open their mouths and utter complete yawners like "I want a bag of Doritos more than anything in the world," (Tina) or "None of us are going to win the million dollars if we don't have food in our bellies," (Michael). I begin to yearn for those lazy, crazy island days when Rudy Boesch shared his ideas with us about lesbians, homosexuals, and whatever the thing it was that Greg Buis had going back in the states.

Poor Maralyn "Mad Dog" Hershey, whose pet goat is named Boomerang, knew her goose was cooked when she fell down during the Immunity Challenge pitting the Kuchas against the Ogakors -- bound by rope, babe to hunk -- over an obstacle course that made them look like vermin trains in a cheese maze. But even The Dawg, who I was counting on as the player to finally say something that would offend me, could only wonder after she was kicked off the continent "Did this really happen? Did I really do this?" It was then that I could see why none of the Gang of Sixteen included a favorite book in their lists of favorite stuff published on the CBS website.

As with Sonja in Survivor The Original, it's the senior citizens who are falling fast. Rodger Bingham, the doddering 53-year-old shop teacher from Kentucky, also tripped during the contest, but his tribemates dragged him to victory. You've just got to figure ol' Rodgah, who seems to have wandered across time to the set of Australia Out Back from the set of Hee Haw, is not long for this continent. Still, pundits said the same thing last summer about The Rudester, that dapper and squared away ex-Navy Seal.

And if you believe Stacy Stillman, the whiny, ingratiating San Francisco lawyer who was an early bootee from Survivor Island, don't believe anything. According to a February 6 article in the San Francisco Chronicle, Stillman filed a lawsuit this week against CBS charging that Mark Burnett had private conversations last year on the East Malaysian isle of Pulau Tiga with fellow contestants Dirk Been and Sean Kenniff, persuading them to vote her off because The Rudester offered the audience tastier sound bites. Stillman, who is representing her own self in court, claims Burnett rigged the outcome, which, if true, would be a violation of the federal laws governing game shows. (The Chronicle also reported that CBS denied the allegations.)

But, gosh, when you see how rehearsed all the "challenges" seem to be and how much footage must litter the editing room floor following every episode, you've got to wonder.