Courtesy of CBS

Momma, shoo them kiddies from the rumpus room 'cause producer Mark Burnett has decided that the only way to stay ahead of Friends in the ratings game is to turn Survivor Out Back into Gladiator Meets Winnie the Pooh. Then settle back with a cold one as Mike-o "The Psych-o" Skupin plays Commodus, the deranged emperor of second-century Rome who took obscene pleasure in butchering live animals for the rabble in the Coliseum. See Mike-o's eyes shine like those of Hannibal Lecter surveying a fine young liver as he gets into character by lopping off a rooster's head with a hatchet. See Rodger (Rabbit) egging him on, and squirm uncomfortably at Alicia's (Kanga) knowing smirk as Nick (Roo) says, "once you go dark meat you'll never go back." Then watch in disbelief as Mike-o "hunts" a "wild" bush pig and stabs it to death with his knife.

My disbelief, of course, comes not from the fact that Burnett will apparently stop at nothing to light a fire under this putrefied CBS meat. What's hard to swallow is that there is any stalking going on at all in Mike-o's big scene. Seems to me that poor Piglet was either drugged, or grew up innocently in some Queensland farmyard and has, er, had, no fear of humans, even the cast of Survivor. "Life is just a funny little blending of experiences," Mike-o gushes. "If I go out, I'm going out full, and I'm so happy about that." And after this offensive and confected dreck it's even hard to feel any genuine sympathy for Kimmi Kappenberg. Playing the hand-wringing social democrat, Eeyore, she claims she hasn't touched a single hunk of mammal in 15 years. When she lamented,"I live in a sick tribe," I sensed that her concern for our porcine friend may not have been genuine. That's because she knows full well, as Little Izzy boasts: "Wow. We're gonna get strong now." And stronger Kuchas mean way more day money for Kuchas.

Meanwhile, the inept Ogakors are going to need all the strength they can get, most of it the spiritual variety. I say spiritual, because they'll have to dig deep to stop themselves from blowing chunks at the public displays of foreplay put on by aspiring vipress Jerri Manthey and Colby "Monster Truck" Donaldson, who says his favorite board game is Twister. "Where to, cowboy?" Jerri asks demurely. Then Colby gives her a piggyback ride across the Herbert River. But then Keith says to Colby, "I would beat you like a dog if I found out you two hooked up." (Hmm, guys who beat dogs, guys who skewer Piglet -- the only thing that will keep me tuned next week is my hope that the wildfire jumps the river and onto the set.) My bet is that Mark Burnett will probably fix the outcome of upcoming Immunity Challenges so the Kuchas don't walk away with all the glory. (Oh, Pooh, don't get all shocked. Even the captain of late-night teedle, CBS's own David Letterman, has declared that Survivor Out Back is cooked.)

Because the "material" contained in the first three episodes swings predictably between the counterfeit and the ludicrous, they have been deemed by a council of television consumers headed by myself to be unsuitable for most audiences. However, because animals were harmed for fun in the making of Episode Four, it has been ruled unsuitable for all audiences.