Courtesy of CBS

First Colleen "The Waif" Haskell gets wicked bad bug bites on her adorable little legs in Survivor Island. My heart went out to her, mostly because when I stormed the East Malaysian island of Pulau Tiga last April where the game show was taped I got wicked bad bug bites on my legs as well that still haven't healed. Then on Survivor Out Back this week Mike-o the Psych-o Skupin sucked down some eucalyptus smoke while hovering around the old campfire, passed out, pitched into the embers and par-broiled his hands. Because these were the same hands that brutally stabbed Piglet in Episode Four I laughed out loud, and not in a nice way, although I was also terminally bored at the time. But just because Mike-o has voted himself off the continent by virtue of his breathtaking stupidity, my boycott of Survivor sponsors must continue until CBS apologizes for Piglet. Don't eat at Burger King! And don't drink Mountain Dew!

Any illusion producer Mark Burnett is still trying to conjure up that what we see on Survivor couldn't be filmed at summer camp in the Catskills has been dispelled forever by the jarring arrival of medics and a chopper sent to aid the appallingly inept motivational speaker from Michigan. As it turns out, the cast of Friends might be facing more true danger these days than the cast of Survivor. In retaliation for what I can only imagine will be the inevitable ejection of the moribund Friends off the airwaves by Survivor, NBC aired an episode of Law and Order Wednesday in which a vicious network suit choreographs the death of a player on a reality TV gig in order to goose the ratings. The jury convicted the foul perp of Man Two and shipped him to Sing Sing for two-to-six.

Okay, we're supposed to believe that the Kuchas so got the munchies one afternoon they were reduced to nibbling on the feed for their chickens. Fine. I was hoping they choked on it. But when they won the Reward Challenge and discovered that the "picnic" they'd been promised consisted of Mountain Dew and Doritos, were they let down? Sir, no sir! Because them Kuchas, them are troopers! But really, besides Cub Scouts and ad execs, who serves Mountain Dew and Doritos for lunch?